brutalhonesty

”Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink

in deep mire, where there is no foothold; i have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.” ~ Psalm 69:1-3

I know, I know— very heavy stuff for my first post.. but i asked Him and this is what He said to do. Funny thing is— i wrote my first post already but He deleted it because He said it wasn’t honest. And that’s the whole point of this. To be brutally honest even when the honesty is ugly and hard to hear. I literally said to Him “ This isn’t as pretty as the first one.” His reply was “It’s honest.” So, if you don’t know me My name is Deja and Jesus weighed in on my heart to start a blog about quite literally everything. Conversations we have, experiences i’ve had with Him, testimonies— You name it we are going to talk about it. Quick back story on the name of the site: I’ve been writing since i was 15 years old, my writing before i met Jesus definitely wasn’t offerings to Him. They were the exact picture of where my heart was at that time of my life— brokenness and absolute depression.. so if you could just picture that in your mind. However, since my writings were about being broken and unbelievably sad and lonely, it spoke to people. Because, people are also broken and unbelievably sad and lonley. The difference between now and then is that something drastically changed in my life, like the most outrageous thing has happened to me. I met God. Which is, very humorous of God to choose me yet so kind and merciful of Him because man was i a fool. Rebellious. Disrespectful. Violent. Stubborn. Lustful. Suicidal. Horrible reputation. Anxious. A witch. Very demonic. Trauma-filled. So much more but i guess you get the point. Just over all broken beyond repair. And then one night, i met this beautiful man Jesus. I didn’t see Him. It wasn’t one of those scenes in a movie where an angel shows up in your room (although now that i’m thinking of it i might’ve). It was me on my floor weeping uncontrollably. Heartbroken over so many things that all i could utter to this God that i thought of as very distant and punishing God— A God who sits in Heaven ready to send everyone to hell and condemn them was “why God?” Over and over again. It’s all i had in me, desperation and confusion. Why the question why? Because i couldn’t wrap my head around the the feeling of being so depressed as i was. I couldn’t understand why i was never enough for the boy i loved and why i seemed to never be enough for my dad and why i seemed to be chasing answers in a tarot deck of cards that left me more confused than Him just making everything better. I ended up hearing the voice of God the first time in my life. I never even knew He had a voice let alone Him wanting to speak to me.. He whispers “I want you to love me first.” At that moment, the weeping stopped and i stopped asking why. The first time in my entire life i felt what real peace feels like. It’s not an emotion or a state of being, It’s a person. It’s His voice. It’s His presence. 

I wish i could tell you that it was all up hill from then on but a lot more had to happen in order for me to be as close to His throne as i am now. We have much to chat about, trust me. 

This topic is my first post because my deepest desire for you, the reader is for you to know Him as He is. My deepest desire/ His deepest desire is for you to come to know His character because you will completely fall in love with the Creator of the universe. For you to set aside and release every belief about Him that the world or hurt and pain has painted Him out to be. And for you just overall have a place to come where there is no need to put on a mask. No need to pretend to be strong or have it all together. This very brutal honesty is the fact that i am an absolute mess. Yet, He loves me as if i never did a thing. The fact that i was in deep waters, almost sinking— crying for help but to all the wrong people and in the wrong places and He met me. Because it was His delight to come and meet me on my bedroom floor. So, i hope you stick around. The whole point of your existence is for you to know Him. I pray that i can be that vessel for you. 

Psalm 69:33 “ For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise his own people who are prisoners.”